I love this video! Really love it! I learned from it and I'm 60 years old. Had I done what this guy says to, I would have avoided any trouble with my neighbour. The fact is, I consider myself “off the market” and I didn't figure him for a player. He is. I'm not dating anyway, whether I'm with Ivo or not. I have a great new life and it doesn't involve dating earthlings.
What Kev is describing is the Power Over Others system. He is talking about men who seek power in relationships by gaining power over women they date. This is one hundred percent complete egotism. Relationships are NOT about power and seeking control – they're about love, caring and support and often times healing together. Yeah, that's where humanity is right now. Look at my relationship with Ivo; he's completely involved in my healing and he never complains about it.
He says that men test boundaries, and yes, women do it too. If I were to test a man's response to see how much he liked me, I might ghost him for a while and see if he called me, which is nasty and dishonest because it's threatening abandonment in a way, or I might start talking about what we're going to be doing 6 months down the road to see if he's still with me or if the lights have gone out, or if he's running for the door. That way you can tell whether or not he's a hit and run or looking for something long term. What I would've done is go and ask someone else to dance or roller skate to make him jealous or talk about dating other guys when we went out. Then there's always the problem with him manipulating you back for doing these things. None of it is honest.
What I need to remind myself of now is that boundaries have to be set with EVERYONE. Just because so many people are into control in their friendships, acquaintances and relationships. It's annoying to always have to be on your guard, I admit, but when you have a past with narcissists, then you tend to attract controlling, dysfunctional people. Never mind I'm living in a bad neighbourhood.
What I realized I was dating in my 20's were children with active sex drives. I realized very early on they wanted sex and the rest of it didn't seem to matter, in fact she was just standing in their way. I should've passed them over and waited for someone better. However, when you get neglected by your parents, you tend to turn to your love life to get the attention you want. I just got more of the same – neglect and abuse. That can make you desperate.
This video describes how men seeking power over the women they date behave. Sorry guys, I haven't found one for women who seek power over men. When toxic types seek power over you, these are the ways to respond, if in fact you want to continue to date them at all.
For the toxic men who do seek to imbalance your relationships, be advised that some women freeze when you employ these techniques. That means that you've re-traumatized them and their fight or flight or freeze response has kicked in. They're thinking, "Oh, no! Not this again!" and their lack of assertive response has to do with the fact they CAN'T respond rather than they are allowing you to go ahead and draw the wrong conclusion. Don't be surprised if they ghost you next time you try to call them because if their first reaction is to freeze, their next reaction will be to run (flight). I know this because it happened to me recently.
If all he's after is sex and he's into power tripping to get it, you need to have a rethink on this guy. Like Kev says, you could be setting yourself up for nothing, or abuse of all sorts. Don't expect emotional support from someone who has an allergy to emotions and sees your having a meltdown as something to be uncomfortable with. What Kev is saying, and he may not realize it, is that women's emotional meltdowns are often used as ways to manipulate men. This makes them uncomfortable and puts them off their game. Now the cards are in your hands. Some women just break up crying because they're upset at what's happening, it just depends.
Then there's love bombing, which he doesn't talk about here. It's a form of manipulation. Some people flatter the hell out of you to try to ingratiate themselves. Nothing you do is short of angelic, if you admit to having a fault they'll rescue you saying it was the other person's fault and you did no wrong. It's done because they're afraid you'll abandon them.
Understand with dysfunctional people they are not relating to you – they are relating to their past and their fears are controlling them. But trust me, when you've abandoned the love bomber, you'll see the other side of their flattery. There is no honesty in this at all. None.
Yeah, who needs it, I say. However, we all have to beware that all people we're dealing with may be power tripping rather than just honestly relating to others. You see the difference, don't you? Honestly relating to others, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, admitting your mistakes, showing where you're still learning, rather than the pack of lies and hidden agenda's we're using in Power Over Others relationships.
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